Jokes and Quotes
Jokes and Quotes 
In a weaker moment, Sonny and Chet allowed Jim DeFilippi to post up some of his jokes and quotes from his humor collection, Everyday Malfeasance...
WARNING: On e-mail, if an "Out of Office Auto Reply" ever answers another "Out of Office Auto Reply," the replies will go on forever.
If you want to look like a conscientious dog walker but don’t want to deal with the clean-up, a product called Ersatz Poop looks like a bag of scooped dog droppings but actually contains jellybeans.
Lines from a movie script: "I see dead people." "Well, yeah, you're an undertaker."
This one is TRUE: A motel in South Burlington VT was busted for prostitution; the road sign out front reads like a billboard: “SPEED HUMPS.”
DO NOT read further unless you have Top Security Clearance: Item-- Dr. Phil has been given lifetime Secret Service protction."
"Suppose all those 'bigots' down South were making black people ride in the back of the bus all those years just to avoid front-passenger injuries?"
"Have you ever watched a DVD movie that was so slow moving you thought the PAUSE button might be on?"
"When I was young, my family was too poor to have electricity. On hot days, I would stand in front of an electric fan and do cartwheels."
"One danger of unprotected phone sex is the birth of unwanted little cell phones."
"The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: War, Plague, Pestilence, and guys who won't go home unless you buy some insurance."
"The number of the devil is 666. But the call won't go through unless you also have the area code."
I taught school for so many years in Winooski VT that I can barely go downtown and throw a stone without hitting an ex-student. So very often that's what I do.
The guests on late-night TV shows never seem to match up: "Tonight, Dave's guests are President of Iran Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Tia Tequila."
"Some men seek out greatness, others have it trust upon them. Still others find it in the hip pocket of an old pair of corduroy pants they haven't worn in awhile."
Movie sequel: "The Terminator" retires from assassination as a line of work and begins a second career in pest control. "The Ex-Terminator."
He undressed her with his eyes, his pupils becoming red and swollen as the eyelids struggled with her buttons and zippers; yet he always insisted upon doing it this way.
Why does the TV weather guy keep referring to himself as a "meaty urologist"? To my way of thinking, he is neither.
Fictional "author" Madelaine Tofeau St. Madelaine describes her husband's lover: "Once, over Chianti, he told me that she had pale, limpid blue eyes and ears, and an upper underwear size that could knock her off the Dean's List."
"No animals nor lawyers were injured during the production of this book. A few may have been killed, but only euthanasially."
"A butterfly flapping its wings in India could cause a half-hour delay on the Major Deegan Expressway."
From Suzie Kalooz, "author" of "My Search for the Seventh Sock": "Ladies, for most of us, our looks are all that we have. Men, most of you don’t even have that.”
"I try to deal with the actualities of this world as they are presented to me—obstacles like Death, Tragedy, Loss of Innocence, Senseless Destruction and War, Feet Sloppy-Joe-ed in the Shower."
"She thought of his upper arm, with the picture of the huge red heart and the single word 'Mom' scrawled beneath it. His mother had been a petty, possessive woman, always scrawling her name where it didn't belong."
"Nothing stops a good vocal medley in its tracks like noticing your feet have taken on the blush and smell of a hamburger variant."
Everyone's on a health kick. Even vampires are only sucking the blood of people with low cholesterol.
On my resume, under Education, should I cut the part that says, "Graduated from Uncle Billy's Tech School for the Criminally Insane"?
Flippies: :-( I’m sad. :-[ I’m a vampire. :-& But I love spaghetti :-% with meatballs
More Flippies: :-) I’m happy. :-( I’m sad. :-p When I’m thirsty my tongue hangs out. :-)B I had my boobs lifted. :-(— I’m anorexic.
I’ll keep doing these “Flippies” until someone stops me. :-( I’m sad. :-C I’m really sad. ;-( I’m crying. :-. But I can still whistle. .-) .-) Wink, wink.
The Sarah Lee Company has decided to stop using everyday baked good in their TV ads. Instead, they'll use roll models.
Flippies: :-) I’m happy. :-( I’m sad. :-# I wear braces. :-^ I talk out of the side of my mouth. :-((( I’m so fat I have double chins.
Wikipedia defines a locavore as someone who only eats food produced locally. I thought it was someone who only ate locusts.
The trouble with being a professional body builder is you always have to take your work home with you.
A sign in Target read: "Men swear." What, women don't?
Fishing shanties and out-houses look alike and are never labeled. You can just imagine the variety of tragedies confusion could lead to.
Something most people don't know about me: For a few years I toured as second drummer for the Sex Pistols.
I saw a homeless man on the street and I decided to "walk a mile in his shoes." But then he caught up with me and wanted his shoes back.
Jack, my GPS voice, is truly gone. Here's hoping he can find his way to heaven.
I left my GPS in the car on a hot, sunny afternoon, and now Jack, the voice that tells me where to turn, is not functioning. Could I be charged with Negligent Homicide?
Author portrait: "Jim DeFilippi is a writer who owns his own computer. He is much taller than David Mamet and he has been a member of Costco since 1993."
"Others may ask, 'Why?' I ask, 'Why not?' Then they ask, 'DeFilippi, are you nuts? What the hell are you thinking, where the hell's your mind?'"
"My feet were not of the warm-watered, pinkish hue that one expects from a shower, but rather a bright, artificially-colored 'tint-not-found-in-nature' red."
"As I sit, I feel a stab of self-pity. Quickly I realize it's not self-pity at all, it's the electrical plug off the toaster."
"Evenings he would smear himself with jelly and attend Community College courses."
Different takes on the term "Everyday Malfeasance": To Italians--"fregatura"; to Bob Dylan--"Bread crumb sins"; to the Church-- "venial, guaranteed not to get you locked out of heaven for eternity."
Everyday Malfeasance: transgressions that we all make—not really illegal, just this side of punishable, usually good for a laugh or two.
DO NOT read further unless you have Top Security Clearance: Item--Gary Coleman, former star of TV's "Diff'rent Strokes," is allotted lifetime Secret Service protection.
At a news-grabbing trial, the press reported that the jury was hung. How could they know something that personal? And why would they report such a thing?
"I didn't do drugs, but one time, in the back booth of an Hungarian restaurant, I sniffed methane."
The giant E on the NOYES Tires sign on Pine Street in Burlignton VT fell off. Nobody heard it fall. It must have been a silent E.
I started reading this magazine article entitled "Do You Have AD/H..." something, but I lost interest.
"The new SafeBet-500 Super-Shredder shredding machine makes a hard copy of everything it shreds, just in case the user made a mistake."
"The photocopy store charges 10 cents per page, says, 'I can do it for five, but then I keep the original.'"